SAYING YES OR NO TO HEALTH

Integrity and maturity

Being able to comfortably say yes and no clearly and with integrity, is arguably one of the hallmarks of being a proper ‘grown up’ person. This capacity implies that we have the confidence and clarity to sense, honour and state our true needs whilst also respecting and honouring the needs of others.

Although essentially this is a question of personal boundaries, the inclusion of the needs of the ‘other’ in this equation is important. Boundary setting without the integrity that comes from a wholesome maturity plays out quite differently.

The integrity part acknowledges that we all have needs and that mine are no less important than yours and offers the statement and enquiry – this is what it’s like to be me, what is it like to be you?

A violent act?

The less mature version of boundary setting is more self-centred, and issues a demand that, ‘my needs shall be met’. This style tends to drive a wedge of disconnection between the self and the other and inevitably leads to a conflict of interests and well, conflict. The imposition of ones needs over others stems from a self preservatory interest fuelled by fear and masked vulnerability. It is, one could say, a violent act born out of a reactive state. It’s most often a ‘left over’ defensive pattern from childhood but it’s also a stance paraded as normal by our culture, so it can be very insidious and hard to spot.

So we could say that the more ‘mature’ way to set boundaries is to reach them through agreement. This outcome is most likely to reflect harmony and peace The less ‘mature’ way is reached through imposition and is more likely to result in conflict.

Two styles

These two distinct forms of boundary setting also contribute to and predict very different expressions of health. Enacting gestures of connection, compassion, clarity and care towards self and other is a function of the ventral branch of the parasympathetic nervous system. When this part of ourselves is conducting the orchestra, we are demonstrating an internal theme of safety and can remain balanced resourced and facilitate healing, both within ourselves and between ourselves and others.

Conversely, setting ourselves as primary, without considering the impact on others or the environment for that matter, means that balance is not so likely and the ensuing conflict requires the fight/flight or sympathetic function of our nervous system to organise our biology into expressing an oppositional stance. This state if adopted as a regular theme has well documented detrimental effects on health and indeed is the progenitor of most ‘lifestyle’ health conditions – and is also known as chronic stress.

Recognising stressful patterns

Part of my work as a Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapist is to help my clients recognise and sense subtle underlying patterns in themselves that may be chronically activating the stress response system. The stories we tell ourselves about who we are in the world and what the world is like, reveal the ways that we internally organise ourselves to meet it.

This work helps us to become more integrated and more joined up. We can better see the bigger picture of how we fit in with everything else - and with that comes the safety and integrity we need to respond well and live in the best way we can.

Just as a caveat to this perspective on boundaries, it goes without saying I hope, that it speaks to general patterns of behaviour and does not advocate passivity, or complicity in abusive contexts.

If you recognise that you may be living with underlying patterns of stress, and would like some help, i’d love you to get in touch.